Judgement Corner : Why you shouldn’t wear that sexy Elmo Costume

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I love Married to the Sea

Welcome to Judgement Corner, where I get to rant about things and be judgy and not feel guilty because I’m acknowledging that I’m being judgy! YAY!

*clap clap clap*

In this, the very inaugural installment, I would like to broach the topic of sexy costumes and the top ten costumes you just shouldn’t put on. Ever.

I’d like to introduce you to my friend Mariet, an artist and a Halloween connoisseur, who will be helping me with this little editorial.

I hope you enjoy!

Once upon a time little girls dressed up as zombies, flappers, mummies, ghosts, cops, wrestlers, Disney characters and action heroes/figurines.

Then something happened in their life. Maybe their father left them. Maybe they discovered the pleasures of sex too early. Maybe they were ignored by their parents. Maybe they liked extra candy.

No one knows what happened but the story goes that these little girls grew up in a culture that celebrates being half-naked and flaunts an impossible ideal. These children took those costumes that they were as a child and sexified them.

Yes. They sex-i-fied them.

To this day, on the days leading up to Halloween, these girls –nay, these Women, for that’s what they are now, have lowered the neckline of their princess costumes, hiked up the hems of their action heroes and cut out large portions of their cop uniforms until you don’t know what they are until they tell you that they are the Sexy version of something.

Let us not be hypocrites. Sometimes sexy is cool. I may have been a sexy cat or whatevs for one Halloween. Hell, I may have been a cute ass pirate.

BUT! While I understand that Sexy is the new Halloween costume (much to my chagrin because I would really like to see a Neils Bohr costume) and the clothing is just the accessory, there are just certain costumes that are just bad ideas; either through horrible social connotations or just for the sheer creepiness factor.

My friend Mariet and I were watching one of my favorite video blogs and up popped an ad for www.yandy.com. A lingerie company that makes sexy Halloween costumes. Just like Frederick’s of Hollywood – www.fredericks.com except the difference is that these costumes are just like..wow.

It got us to start a-thinking, which can either end badly or amazingly (in this case, A-MAA-Zingly) of the horrible sexy costumes that are out there.

Listen, if everyone is wearing a sexy costume you’re gonna wear one too. You’re not going to be like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls and show up wearing a mummy bride costume. You’re just not so stop pretending.

I think the lesson in all of this is actually :Never do anything LiLo would do.

So with that in mind, Halloween is not the time to sex-i-fy just anything.  Childhood memories, anything childlike, things that are supposed to be scary or animals should not be sexy.

So for your sake and mine, me and my good friend Mariet have put together a list of certain costumes that you just shouldn’t sexify.

Because it’s creepy.

Let’s start with Queen of Halloween, Mariet.

These are Mariet’s top five “Are you fucking kidding me” sexified costumes:

Well ladies, it’s that time of the year again, where we all have to practice our walk of shame in our brightly decorated costumes. I’m talking, of course, about Halloween (unless you do that on the regular, then… well….that’s another article for another time) but anyhow, Halloween!

Spooky!

Scary!

And it also mean chicks being a sexified version of something, like a cop or a nurse or a nun (because nothing says “fuck yeah, sexy” like the Bride of Christ, AMIRITE?!).

*ahem*

Anyhow, since I fancy myself a humanitarian, I care about a person’s decision to go out and look like Pay-for-Play chick. It’s good to know which costumes can make you look hot but even more importantly, it’s good to know which ones are just so fucking bad. With that in mind here’s my contribution to the world.

You’re welcome and please feel free to send me cash or gift cards as signs of gratitude.

Cock-a-doodle-will-you?

Sexy Rooster: QUICK! how many Chicken Head jokes can you make, RIGHT NOW?!

あなたは私をからかっていますか?
Google Japanese for “Are you kidding me?”

Asian Persuasion: Hey just for shits and giggles, why doesn’t some chick dress like this and then head to her local Asian Cultural location (or a take out place if your city doesn’t have one) and see how many people would accept this?…. I’m guessing aside from the local white frat boys, none. But hey, give it a shot little lady. Beside who are we kidding? What shred of dignity do you have anymore while wearing this indoors?

Adult Baby: I’m pushing close to my 30’s and there’s no reason why i should type “wtf” anymore…. so with that in mind: WHAT THE FUCK? 

She comes with her own milk.

Red from da’ hood: oh wow…. That’s…. just…. all I have to ask is, is she packing a box cutter, a gat and crack in that basket? Because…. well…. she is from the hood.

I guess she’s a Blood?

Care Bear costumes: the Care Bears? really? y’know what? Turn to your significant other and run a little test. “How to know if you have some sort of psycho-sexual issue: watching “Care Bears” and getting a hard-on. Go kill yourself.

Gives new meaning to Bedtime Bear

Happy Hooker-ing!…. I mean “Halloween”!. Unless you are Hooking on Halloween, then please have them pay you the cash upfront.

I have to agree with Mariet on this one. My eyes are burning with some of those.

While mine aren’t quite as specific, here are some of mine “Oh-Please-God-No” sexified themes/costumes one should just. not. touch.

Sexy Clowns – I don’t have coulrophobia but many many people do. I just find clowns to be one of those things that are just weird. They aren’t sexy, they aren’t scary and they are pretty outdated. They are also linked to childhood. You know?

When a bad idea becomes worse

Birthday parties where you eat too much cake and throw up, circus’ where you eat too many peanuts and watch in a combo of fear and awe as acrobats perform tricks a few light years away from the ground and may or may not fall or hell that sad clown picture at the doctor’s office right before you’re about to get a shot. What I’m trying to say is that clowns, for those that don’t have coulrophobia, make people think of vomiting, death and horrible pain. How the hell that’s sexy eludes the shit out of me. So, do yourself a favor, unless you’re going to one of the Alien Killer Klowns, just don’t do it. It can only end up badly.

Native Americans – Hmmm. Here’s an idea. Tonight, why don’t I dress up as a historically inaccurate Native American wearing nothing but a strange imitation of buckskin (beige colored polyester) while revealing cleavage and half my ass…ooo, and a long black wig in braids.

The name of this costume is Poke Ho
Really?

I can either accessorize with a ridiculous feathered headdress (because everyone wore those back in the day. natch) or impractical high heels. Everyone knows the Sioux women wore high heels while keeping their tribe safe during the Black Hills War or that the Cherokee’s wore ridiculously low tunics while being swaddled in small-pox ridden blankets and marched to Oklahoma. I mean, come on! Everyone knows that the Native Americans were not only exploited and massacred but they looked incredibly sexy while doing it.

headdesk

If you didn’t understand anything from the above, you might as well get out the black shoe polish and go as a sexy Hattie McDaniel.

Sesame Street – *headdesk* The first time I saw Sesame Street I was a child. I remember Teeny Weeny Little Super Guy and Lucille the Orange. I remember Maria and Big Bird. I remember eating two cookies (because I’m a kid and can’t have a third. *pout*) and watching Sesame Street. Wearing little people clothes and thinking little people thoughts.

My eyes are burning

Never. Ever. EVER did I think Elmo was sexy. Even when I got older and watched the Street with my sisters.
If you wake up a few days before Halloween and decide that Sexy Big Bird or Sexy Grover is your thing this year. You may need to find the people in the white coats. No, not the one in the sexy white coat, the other one. Yeah. See him. He’s smiling at you? Him.

Sexy Food — there is nothing sexy about a hamburger or a grilled cheese sandwich unless it is hot and full of cheese and bacon and is presented on a plate with some shoestring fries and a nice cold glass of beer in my hand. If you really want to be sexy, buy a green t-shirt and cut out the areas around the boobs and write Soylent Green right underneath it. That has about the same sex appeal as dressing up as a sexy hamburger.

Look Lady, I don’t know why you’re dressed like that either

Sexy Unicorns – You can be a sexy cat. You can be a cute dog. You may be able to pull off a cute/sexy tropical fish. What you can’t and should never ever do is dress up as a sexy wolf or unicorn. Emphasis on the unicorn actually. Did you know that unicorns are actually a symbol of purity and legend has that they would only respond to virgins? In fact, there was a mythical test that was conducted with a unicorn and a maid. If the unicorn laid his head in the lap of the maid, she was a virgin.

So many levels of ‘not okay’ with this image that it’s hard to even…I can’t concentrate

Of course, this was also back in the day when you would piss on a rabbit to find out if you were pregnant.

Point of this story, other than ruining the myth, is that Unicorns are ethereal, cute, graceful but they’ve never been sexy. Much like Audrey Hepburn. She was gorgeous and gamine but she’s wasn’t sexy.

So please do not ruin Unicorns for little children and yourself. Do not wear the sexy unicorn costume. Unless you really want to test for virgins but you might want to save yourself the trouble on that one.

So there you go, the top ten “Don’t do it please” sexy costumes that shouldn’t even cross your mind.

Also, any costume that you have to ask, IS THIS GOING TO OFFEND ANYONE? Is probably not a costume you want to buy. Same goes for any question starting with SHOULD I?

Happy Halloween all. Be safe. Be Merry and leave a little room for imagination.

If we’re forgetting something, let us know.

*Mariet is a wonderful friend and an awesome artist. Check out her portfolio here: http://marietguerrero.carbonmade.com/

Halloween Madness – starting with history or rather a brief history

It’s Halloween time and the best parts of the season are yet to come. 50% off candy, wacky and provocative costumes and pumpkin spiced everything. Including your mom.

Before we get into the fun stuff, here’s a bit of a history lesson. Halloween is a Celtic holiday. Yep. Yep. It’s not just a day for candy and anonymous sex. It’s also not just a neo-pagan or Wiccan religion. It, like many other Christian holidays, was a real holiday celebrated as the New Year for the ancient Celts.

You’re welcome.

Tara Brooch from 700 AD at the National Museum of Ireland in Dublin

 

A brief history of Halloween

Halloween is a holiday despite what the candy companies, greeting cards and Big 3 religions want you to believe. It’s an ancient holiday that was once called Samhain by the Celts (think before 10th century). It means November and roughly broken down and translated means “Summer’s End”. It was the New Year for the Irish, Scots and Manx Celts. It was a time to take stock of your harvest and prepare for the new year and oncoming cold. You would slaughter your livestock during this time in order to prepare and keep others that could handle the oncoming time. It was pretty much about preparing for surviving and honoring what took place in the last year. Including the dead.

According to Peter Berresford Ellis in his book “The Celts” the celebration of Samhain was:

[The}…one day of the year when the Otherworld could become visible to this world: on the feast of Samhain, the eve of 31 October to 1 November. This was a time when the supernatural boundary between the two worlds was broken down and people, the living and the dead, could move freely between the two lands. IT was a time when those who had been wronged by the living could return and haunt them. Christianity, unable to suppress the belief, adopted it. 1 November became All Hallows Day or All Souls Day and the evening before, ‘Hallowe’en’.”

The custom of wearing costumes and masks as to trick the evil spirits by pretending to be one of them (sort of like in zombie movies when someone tries to act like a zombie so they don’t get eaten by the real zombies) or to ward them off.

“The Gaelic custom of wearing costumes and masks was an attempt to copy the evil spirits or ward them off. In Scotland the dead were impersonated by young men with masked, veiled or blackened faces, dressed in white.[18][19] Candle lanterns, carved from turnips, were part of the traditional festival. Large turnips (also known as rutabaga or swedes) were hollowed out, carved with faces, placed in windows to ward off evil spirits” – Wikipedia

In the 11th century, the church adopted the Holiday and made it a bit more religious and soon after began the propaganda that the holiday was a time for demons, devils and evil to leak out and shouldn’t be celebrated.

Pun’kins

Pumpkins were actually an American thing that started in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. Why? The British Isles and Ireland don’t have pumpkins silly. They do have turnips and rutabagas and other stuff that I would never eat and would prefer to carve up into a slightly creepy mannequin face. The Celts didn’t even carve these things until later into Christian Conversion of the holiday around the earlier part of the 20th century. They used them as wards for the ‘evil spirits’.

A creepy ass Turnip that was carved in the early 20th century and is currently on display at the Museum of Country Life, Ireland.

“The tradition of carving a lantern started in Scotland and Ireland where it was traditionally carved from a turnip, and in England where a beet was used.[1] They were created on All Hallows’ Eve and left on the door step to ward off evil spirits.[2] An offering or, as we now know it, a “treat”, would also be commonly left to placate roaming sprites and evil spirits — otherwise they might ‘fiddle’ with property or livestock (play a “trick”).” – Wikipedia

 

Costumes

Costumes used to be scary or representational and later on they became silly. Now it’s pretty much an excuse to dress up in nothing but a loincloth or a thong and go parading around the city.

Before that though, costumes were part of the holiday so that they could trick or ward off the spirits coming from the Otherworld. Not all of them were bad but sometimes a lass just wants to be left alone and go about her business.

In  Scotland, young men called Guisers put on a costumes that were”…masked, veiled or blackened faces, dressed in white” (Wiki) and went around town. In the 16th century and on, the costumes wore worn by all and the young’uns would troll the neighborhoods, knocking on thatch doors for treats or they would pull a trick. Please note, they never threw eggs or any of the really mean pranks kids these days pull (yes, I just realized how old I sound. Move on).

 

If you want to know more about Samhain/Halloween:
Wikipedia

History Channel

Chalice Center –  it’s a religious/spiritual site it does a good job explaining without trying to convert. It also shows you the traditions that have carried through like Bobbing for Apples (apples were a very sacred symbol and important fruit for the Celts)