I made a mistake. Birthing video trauma

I really did.

My husband was away for a few days for a bachelor party and I was home by myself. The HG is back and I’m on the phone with my mother-in-law. We’re talking about HG support groups. I’m on one over at babycenter and she joined one on Facebook (because she’s awesome), so I’m clicking around on babycenter and lalalala….a video starts. Some innocuous video about giving birth, it was animated and so I wasn’t that grossed out.

I mean, we’ve all seen the Miracle of Life at some point (thank you high school health class).

So, I’m talking and tooling around and I come across Epidural: Live Birth. Now, being the bonehead I am, I assume it’s about giving an epidural. You see, I’m due in about 7 weeks and I know that I want the drugs. I want ALL the drugs.

I’m also not a fan of needles. Or needles near my spine. So I thought, ok. I’ll watch this.

*insert mocking laughter*

Oh my naivete knows no bounds.

The video was actuallyabout a small gray alien trying to come out of a small expandable fleshy keyhole.

I screamed. I wish I had been screaming and yelling because I was trying to make a joke. Alas, that was my first reaction. I do believe the first words were “oh shit. Oh God. Oh Fuck” and a litany of other curses and deity invoking phrases.

There was a baby coming out of a woman’s vagina. That is something that I have to do in 7 weeks!!!!

I felt sick, my mother in law is cracking up and my poor neighbors probably think I’m being murdered.

I’m traumatized.

I’m also sort of annoyed that I didn’t get to see the epidural but had to watch …. that.

Listen. Some people love pregnancy and having babies and feel some sort of Earth Goddess vibe. I don’t.

I’m terrified and scared and omg there’s something that’s about 7 pounds and 20 some odd inches that has to come out of the place where things usually go in. Things that are a lot slimmer and shorter.

Note to any expectant mothers. If you’re like me, skip the birthing videos and just concentrate on the fact that you’ll be getting drugs. Lots of them.

And just lie to yourself about the complete mess that is happening down there and keep thinking, I’ll get a kid out of this. I’ll get my kid.

3 thoughts on “I made a mistake. Birthing video trauma

  1. Years ago I went on the the gigantic roller coaster at West Edmonton Mall, The ‘Mindbender’. Anyway, I was with my girlfriend and as we slowly chugged up the first HUGE hill I started to regret my impulsive agreement to do this thing. I will never forget getting to the top of that hill, looking straight down,a long, longs way and saying to my friend ‘I want off this fucking thing!’. Then we nudged over the edge and there was no more talking, only screaming and swearing. It was exhilarating and fun but scary as hell. Giving birth is kind of like that. Mother nature plunks you down on the world’s biggest roller coaster and is not letting you off until she’s good and ready. Your body will take you on the birth journey…you just have to try to enjoy the ride. There is absolutely no point in worrying about it because you don’t have a lot of say (unless you go for the planned c-section)

    I’ve had two kids and each time was completely different but amazing. If you have an opportunity to choose your position, ask them to roll up the back of the bed so its almost upright, then go on your knees, facing the back of the bed, You can rest on the bed between contractions, you can yell, cry, swear into the mattress where no one can see you if you are overwhelmed, and you can let gravity help you. I had my second child in this position and had almost no pain afterwards in my perineum. He was 7 and half pounds. My first baby was only 5 pounds but she was born in a wild frenzy (premature and highly accelerated) so they just threw me on my back and told me to push. I was sore for a week after. I attribute the difference to the position.

    Sorry to blither on but I just had to share. Hope I didn’t scare you any more than you were. Don’t watch any more videos. Trust the process. You get an amazing little human at the end of the deal and you won’t be able to believe that they are actually going to let you take it home!!

    • I will watch no more videos!

      That is a great analogy. I will ask them to do that with the bed, I’m a big fan of gravity and letting that do the trick.

      I’m hoping that I get your birth weights though! Any more than 7.5 and I will beg for a teleportation device or something!

      • A big part of having a baby is the mental aspect. For example, when my first baby was coming, it was 6 weeks before her due date. I was at work when I finally twigged on to ‘maybe these aren’t Braxton Hicks contractions.’. Still, when I saw my doc that morning she examined me and she said ‘ you’re going to have this baby today’ and the first thing out of my mouth was ‘no I’m not’. I was not mentally prepared. Of course, I was no longer in the driver’s seat so got my first big lesson in letting mother nature take the wheel. You’ll be fine. The female body is truly stunning in what its capable of. I can’t wait to hear how it all goes. You might have to seriously cut back your reading for a few years but it will be worth it.

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