I really did.
My husband was away for a few days for a bachelor party and I was home by myself. The HG is back and I’m on the phone with my mother-in-law. We’re talking about HG support groups. I’m on one over at babycenter and she joined one on Facebook (because she’s awesome), so I’m clicking around on babycenter and lalalala….a video starts. Some innocuous video about giving birth, it was animated and so I wasn’t that grossed out.
I mean, we’ve all seen the Miracle of Life at some point (thank you high school health class).
So, I’m talking and tooling around and I come across Epidural: Live Birth. Now, being the bonehead I am, I assume it’s about giving an epidural. You see, I’m due in about 7 weeks and I know that I want the drugs. I want ALL the drugs.
I’m also not a fan of needles. Or needles near my spine. So I thought, ok. I’ll watch this.
*insert mocking laughter*
Oh my naivete knows no bounds.
The video was actuallyabout a small gray alien trying to come out of a small expandable fleshy keyhole.
I screamed. I wish I had been screaming and yelling because I was trying to make a joke. Alas, that was my first reaction. I do believe the first words were “oh shit. Oh God. Oh Fuck” and a litany of other curses and deity invoking phrases.
There was a baby coming out of a woman’s vagina. That is something that I have to do in 7 weeks!!!!
I felt sick, my mother in law is cracking up and my poor neighbors probably think I’m being murdered.
I’m also sort of annoyed that I didn’t get to see the epidural but had to watch …. that.
Listen. Some people love pregnancy and having babies and feel some sort of Earth Goddess vibe. I don’t.
I’m terrified and scared and omg there’s something that’s about 7 pounds and 20 some odd inches that has to come out of the place where things usually go in. Things that are a lot slimmer and shorter.
Note to any expectant mothers. If you’re like me, skip the birthing videos and just concentrate on the fact that you’ll be getting drugs. Lots of them.
And just lie to yourself about the complete mess that is happening down there and keep thinking, I’ll get a kid out of this. I’ll get my kid.